Yesterday...

December 22 was supposed to be the day that I went in for my ultrasound at Stork Vision to find out the sex of our baby. I had the date saved in my phone for over a month and was SO excited to have the tech write the baby's gender on the back of an ornament that we would open as a family on Christmas morning. This Christmas was going to be almost like when I was a child waiting for Santa. I was so excited. Now the ornament will hang on our tree with the last ultrasound pic I had done of Landon. We didn't know he was a boy then obviously, but I am still going to write the gender on the back, along with his name and the day he so quietly entered this world. I haven't been able to move the ornament from the spot I hung it on the tree because it hurts too badly. What I don't understand is why, why did this happen? Why when everything seemed to be fine with our sweet Landon did my body reject the pregnancy? It seems that there is clearly something wrong with my body. Laine was born at 34 weeks when my membranes ruptured and now this baby didn't even stand a chance at 17 weeks. I was told that I would go through a wide range of emotions and at this point I'm angry. I'm angry that I didn't know to do more and find out more about why my membranes ruptured with Laine early and figure out a way to prevent it from happening to my sweet boy. I know people say that I can't dwell on what I could've done, but it's almost impossible to not think about it. I try and make myself feel better by saying that maybe this baby wouldn't have been able to do the things we dreamed of a little boy doing, but in all actuality he probably would have. He probably would have been a wonderful little boy, healthy and full of life, but for some reason my body couldn't withstand the pregnancy and that hurts. I feel like I let my family down, and that makes me feel so sad. There are good days and bad days, but as more time passes I become more accepting of what happened. Now Christmas will be all about Laine and I still can't wait to see the joy and happiness on her face when she sees what Santa brought her and how excited she will be to open all of her gifts from people who love and care about her so much. Maybe next year we will have a Christmas baby, and maybe then we will be able to call our family whole. For now, we have a angel on Earth and in heaven. Right now, that's our family.